A Letter for Realz

The Honorable James H. Webb
Webb for Senate
P.O. Box Blah Blah Blah
Richmond, Virginia

Dear Jim,

May I call you Jim, great, thanks.

Look, Jim, I don’t really have much use for the current junior senator from the Commonwealth of Virginia. I happen to believe that George Felix Allen is a drooling idiot and a candy-ass golf cart cowboy wannabe but the boy does have $6.6 million cash on hand for the reelect and that alone commands a measure of respect. Mind a little free advice? OK, here goes.

To begin with, I know you don’t really need this nonsense. That’s coming through pretty loud and clear. Saw you talking to George Stephanopoulos’ hair on Sunday. As is manifestly clear you are right about Iraq, you don’t need to play that stupid game of timetables and responding to anything any of those blowdried gasbags ask you (you feelin’ me Chris Mathews and Tim ‘little russ’ Russert). In other words, answer the question you want to be asked and stick to it. No sarcasm neither – works at a fund raiser, maybe, but not with the gasbags. Here again, you’re right, the war profiteers (i.e. Haliburton) are rakin’ it in while our men and women in uniform grit it out in the suck , pickin’ sand out of unspeakable places and wondering if this is the day an IED makes a grease stain out of ‘em on Highway 8 between Hillah and Karbala.

Those brave Americans and their families are still the only ones President Bystander askin’ for sacrifice while Allen and the rest of ‘em talk about the injustice of the ‘death’ tax. Honestly, how many privileged sons and daughters of the Commonwealth will ever be singed by the estate tax. Now ask yourself and Allen while you’re at it how many sons and daughters of the Commonwealth are serving their fellow citizens in the United States Armed Forces – think there’s much overlap between the two groups. Doubt it. Godawful ain’t it?

This is why we need you. You and other members of this ‘band of brothers’ running in various races around the country. Leadership, oversight, common sense, and courage that’s what you’re offering. George Felix just bringin’ more of the same. Do you get me here – the Cheney Administration and their meat puppets in Congress like Allen don’t have any plan, they just got more of the same. Cronyism, cover-ups, fear and division. That’s what they got.

Now clearly, serving in the United States Senate ain’t rocket science. Exhibit A is George Allen. Exhibit B would be, oh, I don’t know, Norm Coleman, James Inhofe, sweet fancy Moses, take your pick, I won’t belabor the point. I will, however, thank you for offering to serve. The world is clearly too dangerous a place to continue to entrust stewardship of our future and our children’s future to these clowns. OK, let’s wrap this up.

Just a couple more things here, brother. First, you never know where the lies are gonna come from so don’t even try to defend against their shit. Whenever asked to respond to some outrageous bullroar just look into their eyes and say, “there he goes again”. Got it? Worked for Reagan, am I right people? Worked for the Gip’ It can work for you. Use it. It’s a nice little rhetorical trick that’ll allow you to marshal your thoughts before you launch.

Second and finally, the Rovians (and Allen ain’t nothin’ but a grinnin’ droolin’ acolyte of Atwater’s ratfuckers from back in the day) will attack you at your strongest perceived point. Once questions are raised there all else becomes grist for the cable mill, ask John Kerry, Max Cleland or Jack By God Murtha. Good men. Honorable and young once. I know you’ll do better. Be prepared.

Keep fightin’ brother. You’ve got a story to tell. Go out and tell it. And win.

Please.

Win.

With more respect than is apparent here,

Vulgarian