The Coldest War
Beep beep beep beep.
Slam.
Ouch.
Archie Limekiln woke up and stared at the alarm clock that currently flashed 10:33am. Classic rock shot out at him from the radio like an arrow through his aching head. Evanescence or Coldplay he could never keep ‘em straight. This morning it just hurt. He couldn’t remember where he got that Patron tequila, hell, he might have stolen it, but it did the trick and this morning he was paying the piper, so to speak.
Shite, Archie thought, it was only Tuesday. It was just the first week in December and already he had worked 23 days straight. At least another 17 days to go working doubles at the Collier County Mall for a little extra cash before he heads further south to the Keys to work doubles washing dishes at the dingy restaurant at Lester’s Fish and Dive in Marathon until the tourist trade dries up soon after Memorial Day.
Archie got up, put on the coffee while he brushed his teeth and his dirty blonde beard before hopping into the shower. 5 minutes of hot water today, more than enough, he thought. Tonight after work he’ll just get into the cheap vodka with his cold pizza and he’ll grit it out or not even take a shower before heading to the mall tomorrow morning. He won’t really need the hot water again until Friday when he’ll do the dishes.
You gotta be one tough cracker to get through summers in Southwest Florida, and you could, at the very least, call Archie one tough cracker. Ran away from his family over here from Liverpool for a Disneyworld vacation they won in a radio contest. That was 17 years ago and Archie had scratched out a living ever since. Other than 2 bouts of West Nile virus he had bounced along pretty well.
After a breakfast of coffee, grapefruit, and dry cocoa puffs Archie heads out the front door of the ground floor garden apartment at the edge of Naples, hops on his electric scooter and tools up I-41 to the mall for his shift that will run until 11:00pm.
When he gets to the mall he parks next to a clump of Australian pines growing up out of the asphalt at the Sears end near the abandoned Red Lobster that now served as a cock fighting venue for the Dominican True Bloods that ran rackets in this part of Collier County.
Archie made his way in through the appliance section of Sears where he could see the new wall-sized membrane tv screens on display showing last night’s final broadcast of the CBS Evening News with Bill O’Reilly. Ironic, Limekiln thought, that O’Reilly had chosen the Christmas season to retire, it’s really how he had made his bones, so to speak.
Ten years ago Archie had joined O’Reilly’s crusade, if you will, his war for Christmas he had called it so many years before. O’Reilly had taken a wrongful termination settlement from Fox “News” and parlayed that into his own foundation. He had to shelter that windfall somewhere.
It was a 501(c)(3) a “non-profit” you know, kind of like Pat Robertson’s 700 Club or Jerry Falwell’s very old “Moral” Majority, in other words a pure profit making venture and the best way to make money in the America of the late 20th and early 21st centuries. For $35 each year you got O’Reilly’s monthly news report, web access and dial in priority to the radio show and a little laminated card that identified you as a Righteous United Believers Empowerment Soldier (RUBES) in O’Reilly’s Army. Man, it felt good. For awhile. Then Archie couldn’t really swing the $35 and O’Reilly joined CBS and became their flagship anchor and, really, after that, what was the point. Because by then, O’Reilly had won.
Archie made his way to the underground locker room to don his gear and his robe and his belt. Get in the Christmas mood dude, thought Archie. A couple of deep breaths, his gear assembled Archie headed upstairs to the main Christmas display in the center of the mall under the food court. The elaborate display where all the parents brought their little ones for a Christmas picture to be photoshopped into all their greeting cards would be Archie‘s abode for the next 11 hours. Until closing time.
Archie sat in the glorious Christmas throne. The sword of righteousness in one fist, the hickory staff of justice in the other clenched fist as the first family tentatively crept up to set their little 4-year old Tyler on Archie’s lap. Archie scratched at the plastic crown of thorns and he bled a little as Tyler sat down with a huge grin. Archie got into the spirit of Christmas a true Furious Jesus as he asked little Tyler what was good in life. And Tyler answered him:
“To crush your enemies,
see them driven before you.
And hear the lamentations of their women.”
God, it was like Silent Night, Holy Night to Archie’s modern ears and he laughed a dry husky laugh and gave the kid a candy cane while the green and red clad apostles took pictures and sent him on his way. Another day had started for the Collier County Mall Christmas Jesus.
Only 5 hours to dinner break.
Mele Kalikimaka.
Y’all.
Slam.
Ouch.
Archie Limekiln woke up and stared at the alarm clock that currently flashed 10:33am. Classic rock shot out at him from the radio like an arrow through his aching head. Evanescence or Coldplay he could never keep ‘em straight. This morning it just hurt. He couldn’t remember where he got that Patron tequila, hell, he might have stolen it, but it did the trick and this morning he was paying the piper, so to speak.
Shite, Archie thought, it was only Tuesday. It was just the first week in December and already he had worked 23 days straight. At least another 17 days to go working doubles at the Collier County Mall for a little extra cash before he heads further south to the Keys to work doubles washing dishes at the dingy restaurant at Lester’s Fish and Dive in Marathon until the tourist trade dries up soon after Memorial Day.
Archie got up, put on the coffee while he brushed his teeth and his dirty blonde beard before hopping into the shower. 5 minutes of hot water today, more than enough, he thought. Tonight after work he’ll just get into the cheap vodka with his cold pizza and he’ll grit it out or not even take a shower before heading to the mall tomorrow morning. He won’t really need the hot water again until Friday when he’ll do the dishes.
You gotta be one tough cracker to get through summers in Southwest Florida, and you could, at the very least, call Archie one tough cracker. Ran away from his family over here from Liverpool for a Disneyworld vacation they won in a radio contest. That was 17 years ago and Archie had scratched out a living ever since. Other than 2 bouts of West Nile virus he had bounced along pretty well.
After a breakfast of coffee, grapefruit, and dry cocoa puffs Archie heads out the front door of the ground floor garden apartment at the edge of Naples, hops on his electric scooter and tools up I-41 to the mall for his shift that will run until 11:00pm.
When he gets to the mall he parks next to a clump of Australian pines growing up out of the asphalt at the Sears end near the abandoned Red Lobster that now served as a cock fighting venue for the Dominican True Bloods that ran rackets in this part of Collier County.
Archie made his way in through the appliance section of Sears where he could see the new wall-sized membrane tv screens on display showing last night’s final broadcast of the CBS Evening News with Bill O’Reilly. Ironic, Limekiln thought, that O’Reilly had chosen the Christmas season to retire, it’s really how he had made his bones, so to speak.
Ten years ago Archie had joined O’Reilly’s crusade, if you will, his war for Christmas he had called it so many years before. O’Reilly had taken a wrongful termination settlement from Fox “News” and parlayed that into his own foundation. He had to shelter that windfall somewhere.
It was a 501(c)(3) a “non-profit” you know, kind of like Pat Robertson’s 700 Club or Jerry Falwell’s very old “Moral” Majority, in other words a pure profit making venture and the best way to make money in the America of the late 20th and early 21st centuries. For $35 each year you got O’Reilly’s monthly news report, web access and dial in priority to the radio show and a little laminated card that identified you as a Righteous United Believers Empowerment Soldier (RUBES) in O’Reilly’s Army. Man, it felt good. For awhile. Then Archie couldn’t really swing the $35 and O’Reilly joined CBS and became their flagship anchor and, really, after that, what was the point. Because by then, O’Reilly had won.
Archie made his way to the underground locker room to don his gear and his robe and his belt. Get in the Christmas mood dude, thought Archie. A couple of deep breaths, his gear assembled Archie headed upstairs to the main Christmas display in the center of the mall under the food court. The elaborate display where all the parents brought their little ones for a Christmas picture to be photoshopped into all their greeting cards would be Archie‘s abode for the next 11 hours. Until closing time.
Archie sat in the glorious Christmas throne. The sword of righteousness in one fist, the hickory staff of justice in the other clenched fist as the first family tentatively crept up to set their little 4-year old Tyler on Archie’s lap. Archie scratched at the plastic crown of thorns and he bled a little as Tyler sat down with a huge grin. Archie got into the spirit of Christmas a true Furious Jesus as he asked little Tyler what was good in life. And Tyler answered him:
“To crush your enemies,
see them driven before you.
And hear the lamentations of their women.”
God, it was like Silent Night, Holy Night to Archie’s modern ears and he laughed a dry husky laugh and gave the kid a candy cane while the green and red clad apostles took pictures and sent him on his way. Another day had started for the Collier County Mall Christmas Jesus.
Only 5 hours to dinner break.
Mele Kalikimaka.
Y’all.
posted by The Vulgarian @ 9:22 PM
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